…
There’s a part of unmasking that I hadn’t felt — until I did. It’s not the relief. It’s the vulnerability.

This week I finished up a tricky fix on my podcast and went for a pedicure I hadn’t realised would be a sensory nightmare — never again! What I thought would be a treat had me wriggling and squirming, desperate for it to end. Self care for some, sensory hell for me!

The appointment ran over and I had to dash straight to the dentist.

By the time I got there, I had nothing left.

Lying back in the chair, imagining the drill working on my teeth — its high pitch screaming through my ears — I knew I had to say something.

“I just want you to know I’m really sensitive,” I said quietly.
“Oh, today?” she asked.
“No — it’s always been like this. I know you need to do your job, but I have to let you know how sensitive this is for me.”

“Okay,” she said, “we’ll go as gently as we can.”

The hygienist leaned over, handed me a tissue, and squeezed my hand — and only then did I realise the tears were streaming down my face.

I was proud of myself for naming my need.
I felt supported and deeply grateful for the care I was met with.

But the vulnerability that came with asking — that moment of being seen — caught me off guard.

Unmasking isn’t just about authenticity.
It’s about letting yourself be known — and that is tough.

After a lifetime of holding it in, pushing through, and not letting others see the cracks, allowing myself to be comforted felt unfamiliar.

There is relief in not carrying it in silence —
and a quiet grief for all time that I thought I had to.

…
Over the years I’ve carried a lot of shame around meltdowns.

Fleeing, running away, shutting the world out.
Feeling so many emotions all at once that I can’t process them.
And all I want to do is scream, jump up and down, burst into tears, and run away.

Putting it down here,I know to anyone who hasn’t experienced this, it must sound unusual at best, pathetic at worst … a grown woman feeling and behaving this way

And I’m glad that if that person is you
That you don’t know
That you never have to feel like this

Because it’s sh*t, deeply confusing and, honestly, rocks my sense of self and the security and safety I feel when not experiencing meltdowns.

Tonight’s meltdown was over burnt dinner, Mondays was an app I couldn’t get to work. Both, on the face of it, small things, but in reality these small everyday things that go t*ts up when I’m at capacity, make my curated neuro affirming life feel impossible, too hard.

My life isn’t impossible, and it’s not too much. But the movement to January after a long easy Christmas period has taken its toll.

Transitions are really hard for me .. from deep focus in work to mum duties, from Christmas time off to January routines, getting up in the morning, having to leave my downtime to get to bed at a good time at night. Transitions exhaust and deplete me.

I also often don’t realise the impact something is having on my nervous system until my nervous system screams (meltdown). As you may have heard 😜 my podcast is launching tomorrow and whilst this is a hugely positive and proud moment for me, it is not without anxiety and fear that my body is holding as I continue through my days.

All together .. my recent meltdowns are no surprise.. still very discombobulating, but no surprise.

The benefit of late identification is having the language, lens and landscape to understand these heretofore confusing parts of me and with this awareness, let go of shame and in its place, take a long shower, put on my cosies and ask for an extra hug.

….
It’s because I’m not (just) Autistic and maybe you are the same.

It took me so long for the penny to properly fully drop.

And when it did, it explained so much — especially why so many late-identified Autistic women struggle to believe it, or feel like imposters once the idea is even on the table.

For years, so many of us were trying to make sense of ourselves using explanations that only ever told part of the story.

If you’re both Autistic and ADHD, those parts can cancel each other out on the surface — while exhausting your nervous system underneath.

So you look “fine”.
Capable. Articulate. Coping.

And inside, you’re confused, overwhelmed, and wondering why none of this still doesn’t quite add up.

For a long time, I was given an ADHD diagnosis and an Autistic diagnosis — and I kept trying to understand myself by reading them separately.

That was the mistake.

The understanding came when I stopped looking at them side-by-side and started looking at what happens when they collide.

That’s why AuDHD matters.
Not as a label — but as the piece that finally made everything make sense.

…
Yes, this podcast is for Autistic women —
late-identified, newly identified, and those who are quietly curious.

It’s also for the people who love them.
For partners, friends, family members, and professionals
who want to understand the Autistic experience without asking Autistic women to keep explaining or justifying themselves.

And it’s for anyone interested in the wider human experience —
in sensitivity, nervous systems, belonging, and what happens when we are finally understood.

Sometimes the most powerful support
is being able to say:
“Listen to this — this explains it better than I ever could.”

Episode 1 is live this Wednesday 14 January on Spotify, Apple Podcasts and Amazon Music
Click on the link in stories and hit the ✔️ follow button to be part of this unlearning with me

Will you be tuning in?

…
This podcast is for women who have spent a lifetime trying to understand themselves — and were given the wrong explanations.

It’s for those who felt sensitive to a world that often felt too intense, too much… when in truth, they were navigating the world with a nervous system that needed more care, more honesty, and more understanding.

Here, we talk about late identification, what it means for us to be Autistic, ADHD, AuDHD, unlearning old narratives, regulation over performance, and what it means to build a life that actually fits.

Unlearning autism - my new podcast is available now .. well my little ad is .. so come follow along as episode 1 lands Wednesday 14 January 🥳🤸✨

➡️ Link in bio

🙏Follow for conversations, musings and gentle truths

🎧 Episode 1 launches 14 January

Available on Spotify & Apple Podcasts.

#unlearningautism #lateidentified #neuroaffirming #autisticwomen #gentlespaces #autisticstories